By Hades
Listening at doors is a terrible habit. But it is only one among many: reading other people’s mail, picking locks, making prank calls. I learned this at age seven. At that point, however, they were not habits, but ways of life.
Some people are forgiving. Forgive and forget, I think that’s the phrase. I am not forgiving or forgetful. I do not lose track of past injuries. Eventually, all scores will be settled, and when this life ends, I’ll being going out square.
That is my idea of fair play.
Perhaps it has gotten a little out of control. I am no longer so sure every small injustice must be righted. Is this a path I should be treading? Perhaps not. I have heard that an eye for an eye would make the whole world blind.
But that is of little or no consequence. It is the equivalent of Odysseus wondering, seven years into his long journey home, if he should not have deserted the Trojan War. It is too late for doubts.
I have heard many wise men and women speak on the subject of revenge. Many seem to disapprove of it; others treat it with ironic amusement. I do not. Would they have acted the way I did, I do? No. I am not like them, not one for lofty quotes and high minded word-foolery.
It is useful to reflect on beginnings. It started out very small, you see. I couldn’t have been more than three years old; scarcely able to talk. My mother was denying me a second cookie after lunch. I wouldn’t have had such a problem with that except for the fact that I saw her sneak an extra one to my elder sister. At that time, I didn’t think it may have been possible my sister got it because she was older, and had a bigger appetite. It could have been a reward for a chore. I do not know.
I was furious. I never showed it, though. But I couldn’t let it rest. Cookie! Cookie! Cookie! Mother gave her another cookie! It wasn’t fair! There was a sudden imbalance in my universe that irked me. It was like a moustache scrawled on an otherwise perfect painting.
And the only way scales can be righted is redistributing the weights.
Mother was Out one afternoon, and I was supposed to be napping. I took one of her earrings and put it in Father’s wallet. That would show her what it was like to have something rightfully hers taken, and given to another!
Of course, this revenge never came to fruition. Father found the lone earring, wondered how it had ended up in his wallet, and returned it to Mother the very next day. I was crushed, and that terrible, frustrating, impossible inequity hung there, taunting me. COOKIE! COOKIE! COOKIE! It was maddening!
In the end, I settled that score. Sister and I were helping Mother bake more COOKIES, peanut butter chocolate chip. A family favorite. After the batter had been tasted and approved of by all, Mother went to the bathroom. I snuck a tablespoon of salt into the mix. Sister had her backed turned. I snuck another, then two more, stirred very gently, and carefully replaced the spoon and salt shaker. Mother came back. The COOKIES went in the oven. I smiled.
Later, I complained of an upset stomach. Mother cooed and fussed, blaming it on the quantity of chocolate chips I had eaten earlier. She said she was sorry dear, but she couldn’t possibly let me have any COOKIES. I went tearfully to bed. As soon as I heard Mother’s footsteps receding down the hall, I lowered myself gingerly to the floor. The sounds of dinner commenced. Then the table was cleared. I heard Mother’s shoes clacking on the kitchen floor. COOKIES! COOKIES! COOKIES! She was bringing in the COOKIES!
In my footie pajamas, I scampered down the hall, and peered out from around the corner. I could see them! The COOKIES were on the table! It was all I could do to stop myself dancing with delight. COOKIES! COOKIES! They were eating the COOKIES!
Of course, I was never blamed. But I got them all! The inequity now righted, I was truly happy. Mother’s cookie faux pas: check. Father’s return of the stolen earring: repaid. Sister pulling my hair the night before: returned in full.
And so it began.
My rules were simple:
1) Each punishment must be equal to the crime
2) All crimes must be punished, eventually
3) No punishment is administered in simple cases of dislike; there must be actual crime that can be punished
I was a quiet child. Quiet children are often over-looked. I didn’t mind. I liked to be left alone. The other children weren’t exceptionally kind or cruel to me, and so I let them alone. Except for Jason Brown.
Jason Brown was a bully. He picked on the small, weak, young, and defenseless. He apparently had decided I belonged to all four categories. Graduating to first grade meant leaving the safety of Preschool for the large, dangerous world of Primary School. During my years in preschool, there had been little need for complicated vengeances. The youngsters around me were simple-minded creatures. They played, fought, ate, tumbled about, and found sticky, disgusting things to pick up and rub on themselves. I avoided them, they me.
Primary school was different. There were more rules, spoken and unspoken. The unspoken were, by far the most vital. And the foremost unspoken rule was never, ever to befriend a marked man.
I was marked from day one.
During my very first recess of first grade, Jason sought me out. He was a broad, squat boy with curly brown hair. His flat nose and squinty eyes were deep set in his fat face. Occasionally three dull children, Brandt Thomas, Mason Marks and Walter Kruger helped him, but more often than not, Jason operated alone.
I was sitting on the teeter-totter quietly drawing in my composition book when I heard a thick, unfriendly voice grunt, hey kid. I looked up, knowing this could not bode well. There stood Jason, grinning a wicked grin. He wore his ball cap sideways. I shuddered inwardly. This kid was obviously trouble.
Kid, he said. I’m talking to you. I said nothing. What reply did he expect? You’re alone, kid. Why are you alone? Doncha have any friends. I shrugged. You’re a weirdy, that’s why you’re alone. You’re a weirdy, and nobody likes weirdies. Are you a weirdy, kid? Hesitantly, I shook my head. Are you saying I’m lying? Are you saying you’re not a weirdy? I shook my head again. How can you be a weirdy and not a weirdy at the same time? I’ll ask you again, kid. Are you a weirdy?
I couldn’t agree or disagree without getting an inevitable pounding. What’s that kid? His ugly face was right up close to mine. I could see he hadn’t yet figured out what tissues were for. He smelled like tuna sandwich. I couldn’t here you. Say something, kid.
I stood up and walked swiftly away. I heard the heavy plod of Jason’s feet, and speed up, not quite running. I spent the rest of recess playing hopscotch. The hopscotch kids hadn’t seen my confrontation with Jason, so they didn’t shun me as a social leper.
In class, Jason tripped me as I walked down the aisle. He swiped a slice of apple off my plate at snack, and “accidentally” jogged my elbow and made me wreck an almost finished picture. That was three things. Would I do three small punishments or one large one? The small ones often hurt more, so I decided on that.
The next day, I came to school with some extra material in my lunch pail. I got on the bus and sat in the front, near the driver. I went to class. At lunch time, I hid under a beanbag chair and didn’t go to the cafeteria. The teacher had twenty busy six-year olds on her hands: she didn’t notice. I don’t blame her. As soon as the door swung shut, I forsook my hiding place and crept across the darkened classroom to Jason’s desk.
I went to work.
Jason lumbered through the door, earlier than the rest of the class. I could almost see the cogs turning in his cunning, if dull, mind. He was wondering where his victim, that weird kid, had gone. He was a stupid boy, so the idea that I was planning a trap never occurred to him.
He fell, landing on hands and knees, and cracking his elbow on the leg of a desk. I had counted on Jason arriving first; he was not the sort of boy to allow others to line up in front of him. Stretching across the aisle, loosely attached with masking tape, was a piece of fishing line. The floor was slightly slippery with soap. Jason scratched his head, wondering what had happened.
The rest of the class arrived, and I wriggled out from my hiding place and joined them. A few of them giggled at Jason who was still sitting on the floor looking dazed. No doubt wondering what just happened.
Jason slunk shame-facedly to his seat, rubbing his elbow. The teacher read a story about a family of rabbits going for a picnic. Jason got bored and started flicking bits of eraser at the wall. I, on the other hand, was the model of attentiveness.
We wrote in our composition books. We did a messy, gluey craft. We did a subtraction worksheet.
Snack time.
The teacher was an orderly woman. Each student had a cup and plate, lovingly labeled in colorful marker. She set out snack at the beginning of the day. It was kept on a table at the back of the room. Today, we had grape juice, and crackers with peanut butter. Jason took a sip of his juice and coughed. It spewed all over his desk. The class laughed. Jason scowled. I kindly fetched some paper towels from the bathroom. Grape juice tended to be somewhat less delicious when spiked with “Grape Flavored” cold medicine. Oh well. At least it’s good for you.
At the end of the day, we always had “Choice Time.” Jason and his cronies, Brandt, Mason, and Walter, sat at the back table drawing rude pictures. Or, at least trying to. The trouble was, each pencil was capped with a small blob of clear glue. Watching them press harder and harder until paper ripped and pencils broke was a heavenly experience.
Jason soon realized it did not pay to mess with me. He was not a clever boy, but he soon reached a vague conclusion: bullying me meant future misfortune. By second grade, I was once again, just a random kid. Albeit, one safe from bullies.
My grades were good, but not outstanding. I was quiet, but had a few friendly acquaintances. I dressed plainly, looked ordinary, and seemed average in every way throughout school. Those that harassed me never figured out how I was involved in their accidents, but were, none the less, convinced I was guilty. And, of course, I was.
I graduated elementary school, middle school, and then, high school. I had an unremarkable college career marred by only three…regrettable incidents. A bullying professor retired at the end of my second year, complaining of constant illness and discomfort as his age. Food poisoning? Perhaps. A lazy boy that cheated off my paper was arrested for drunk driving. Who turned him in? I wonder. A landlord who ignored my please for a working refrigerator found his apartment broken into and some money stolen. The amount to buy a new refrigerator? Who knows?
I graduated college with grades that were, as per usual, good, but not incredible. I was hired as an accountant. I worked, got money, bought a small house. I married, had children. I retired.
But all that while, my inclination, nay my need for justice drove me. Justice, revenge, are they not one? All that divides them is a gavel and robe. One acts from behind a pulpit, the other from behind an ordinary face, and ordinary life, and an extraordinary mind.
“Revenge is an act of passion; vengeance of justice. Injuries are revenged; crimes are avenged.”
-Samuel Johnson
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